Words A Brief Story Of Those That Leave Read online

  Mrs. SOLITUDE is always sad. And that means I am too. So I’m going to try to remember a moment that made me laugh... and that surely, if you read this, would also make you laugh. Or not... you lacked a sense of humor, I’m sorry to say.

  “Loneliness is not that which happens

  when you are alone, but when

  you feel like you cannot be by yourself.”

  (OSHO)

  Our first summer together. Do you remember? Some people are awkward. And then there’s you. Very, very awkward...

  “I’m not awkward,” you would tell me every time I laughed at you. Or with you. It doesn’t matter.

  We went to the beach of Canet de Mar. There were many waves but even so, you got in the sea with an awful swimsuit with small flowers. When you tried to get out, the waves brought you down and what may seem like a drama, made half the beach laugh.

  I went to help you but there was nothing I could do. I didn’t try very hard though... I admit. The waves kept dragging you further and further away from the shore. You tried to get out and ended up on your face in the sand every time. You seemed like a croquette. After a few exhausting minutes which I imagine weren’t a walk in the park for you, the force of a wave swept off your swimsuit and left you completely naked. When you got out, you sighed, not realizing you weren’t wearing your trunks.

  “What are you laughing at? I almost died!” you said dramitically. The children at our side, scandalized, could not stop laughing.

  “It’s just that...” I tried to explain.

  But I didn't need to. You looked down and you saw that your dear swimsuit with flowers had disappeared in the depths of the sea.

  “Shit!”

  You ran to the towel, took it full of sand and wrapped it around yourself to cover your intimates. You were red like a tomato and the contact of the sand and the salty seawater caused a rash you could not get rid of for two days. I get it, Diego... I understand that from that point on, you hated going to the beach. And on top of that, you got sunburn. The worst of all is that you slept with a hand on your stomach and I don't have to remind you what happened next. Yes, I’m sorry... I’m still laughing... I can’t help it.

  For the rest of the summer, we decided to go to a pool where you would not run the risk of being swept away by the waves again. Of course, you bought some factor 100 suncream and you were especially careful of your sleeping position. The pool also had its downsides for you, of course... You hated that the children would cannonball into the pool and splash you right at the moment you were slowly entering the pool by the stairs. You were always cautious and not very adventurous. Hey! Perhaps Mrs. SOLITUDE is trying to tell me something...

  “You need someone who is excited by adventure... who is enthusiastic about LIVING. Someone who laughs at their own mistakes, at themselves. Someone who is more special than Diego...” Mrs SOLITUDE is whispering to me, softly... very softly...

  And I’m listening to her with a smile on my lips.

  Going back to the theme of SOLITUDE... I have always thought that really, we are all ALONE. We end up alone. No one is going to keep us company in our grave when we die. Perhaps it is for this reason that in life we need someone by our side. Human beings cannot be alone... although many say that SOLITUDE can become an addiction. Certainly not in my case... I hate her.

  “I used to think that the worst thing in life

  was to end up alone,

  it’s not.

  The worst thing in life

  is to end up with people

  that make you feel all alone.”

  (Robin Williams)

  As I’ve already told you, Diego... I never knew what SOLITUDE was with you. But now, if I look back... I know the last months at your side were lonely. Although I didn’t see it. How could I be so blind? I worked a lot this last year. Several tasks, much hurry, burdens, meetings... No time for anything. Meanwhile you were meeting another woman. And I didn’t realize anything. SOLITUDE came to visit me when I was with you and I didn’t realize. Now I feel so stupid again, realizing this while I’m writing about Mrs. SOLITUDE... Tell me, does she make you a better person? Has she made you the best version of yourself? Right now I’m not sure about anything. Not even if those six years of our relationship were real. I’m not even sure if you... at any point of our relationship, really wanted to marry me.

  “I got scared, Emma. I never thought you were the love of my life, but you insisted we get married so much... I felt bad for breaking the illusion. I couldn’t carry on with the lie. I couldn’t go on with you because I never thought that we would be together forever.”

  You talk to me. Sometimes you talk to me in my dreams. You come see me, as handsome and tall as ever. And happy, you look happy. But I don’t smile because reality still hurts my soul. I would have preferred you break the illusion rather than my heart. With time, a painful truth is better than a useful lie. And I’m not going to blame myself. I’m not going to think that you fell in love with another woman because I was busy with my work for a while. I’m not going to think that perhaps, I made you feel ALONE. I’m not going to give myself a headache anymore... I’m really not.

  I don’t know what to tell you, Diego. I’ve laughed a little, despite this SOLITUDE that deep down, isn’t that bad. It’s necessary. Because to love, one must work on oneself which only SOLITUDE makes possible. And I know I will love again. And I will feel loved again in someone else’s arms. In another’s gaze. In another’s embrace.

  Yes, Diego... after all, I think I can see a way out... It’s still small... but this SOLITUDE is helping me to be stronger and to get to know myself better...

  “There is always a little bit of truth

  in each ‘it’s a joke’.

  A small lie in each

  ‘I don’t mind’.

  And a little bit of pain in each

  ‘I’m okay’.”

  EPHEMERAL

  That which lasts for a very short period of time.

  EPHEMERAL... It sounds good, doesn’t it? However it is a sad word. Its meaning is. When I hear the word EPHEMERAL I think about something good that fizzles away with time. About how fast everything happens when we’re having fun, at ease, with the person we love... About how EPHEMERAL life is and the moments that are worth it.

  “Knowing how to introduce the ephemeral

  has become one of the greatest virtues

  of our time”

  (Pierre Sansot)

  EPHEMERAL reminds me of our travels, Diego. They were wonderful! And intense, as they say everything EPHEMERAL should be. And although you continue to be traumatized by the sea, its waves and the sand, you agreed to a stunning trip to Thailand one September. We had only been together for a few months and it was our first trip. The best of my life. And not because we were in paradise... it was the best because I was with you.

  I carried on with my hobby. Watching every sunset I could. And in Thailand they were very special. The moment had not yet come in which you realized they bored you. After discovering various Thai beaches, I chose my favorite: Mae Nam beach, located on the large and developed island of Koh Samui. We found a reasonably priced hut and we stayed there for a few days... perhaps it’s for this reason that I took a liking to that beach. To that sea. To that sky. Everything was so EPHEMERAL, like the play of colors of the sky of our shared sunsets.

  More trips came... weekends, national holidays... we tried to enjoy everything we could and we seemed to share a passion for visiting other places. Then, simply... we fell into a boring routine on our sofa at home. We became more stay-at-home. Old before our time. With the excuse that we were saving for a safe and stable future. Allow me to laugh, to let out a giggle. If I’ve learnt anything since you left, it’s that the future does not exist and you have to enjoy the moment. I’m happy I lived it, but I regret not having made the most of each and EVERY moment. From beginning to end.

  With time, I realized how different we were and I now know that we were not ‘as’ made
for each other as we thought. I convinced myself that you were destined for me. You have always been more asphalt, more high and imposing buildings. I’m more sea and mountain. You of serious conversations. Me of making footprints in the sand. You of historical literature. Me of fantasy. You of thinking of the future. Me of living in the moment. You of looking down. Me of looking up. You of seeing the bad side of things. Me of seeing the good side or trying to be positive... You of dreaming when you sleep. Me of dreaming when I’m awake. You of making the bed. Me of leaving it to be done later. You of typing on a computer. Me of writing by hand, even though my writing is illegible. You of not believing in magic. Me of believing everything is possible.

  “Ephemeral happiness

  of a moment

  leaves flavors that last”

  I get lost between so many repetitions of YOU and ME, Diego... I hope you have found someone like you. More cerebral, more sensible... someone that likes a calm and serious conversation with not so many jokes and laughter... someone that really feels for you when you are about to ‘comically’ drown in the sea. Not someone that laughs and does not make the slightest effort to help you even though they try to hide it... Someone that saves for that future you are always thinking about. Someone less crazy and more sensible. Without so much drama. Less romantic, more cerebral. Who isn’t a dreamer. I, however, will continue with no money, but traveling... even if I’m alone. I will continue to be crazy and continue laughing about everything and nothing. And never... never again... will I watch an indie movie, my gaze glued to the subtitles, just because you think that we are more intellectual like that. Diego, I’m sorry but you were always a little snobbish.

  EPHEMERAL is a shooting star. I lean over the balcony of the apartment where you also lived until not long ago, and among so much pollution, I manage to see a shooting star. Like the many we saw in Thailand. I make a wish. I’m not going to tell you... otherwise it won’t come true. I’m becoming superstitious again because it made you angry that I was. It doesn’t matter anymore, you’re not here. And you won't be here.

  I’m going to make my life one that is full of precious EPHEMERAL moments. I’m going to get out of this bed I’ve been cooped up in for three months and with time, I’ll meet someone. I won’t be a snob. Perhaps he won’t be that handsome. Yes, a little awkward like you to make me laugh from time to time. He will be charming. He’ll love traveling and we’ll do crazy things together. He will fall in love with every sunset. He will love the sea, even when he gets covered in sand. And he will think that I am the woman he will spend the rest of his life with.

  Silvia interrupted my reading on the word EPHEMERAL. In reality I had already finished my tale, but she did not know that yet. She looked at me, smiling, and she seemed happy.

  “I’ve noticed a change in you, Emma. You’re telling Diego he’s a snob,” she laughed. “And although it still hurts, you see a way out. You’re being positive and that will bring you great satisfaction. Do you see? Are you realizing?” I nodded,.“You’re thinking about the possibility of sharing your life with another person again, but first you must learn to be alone.”

  “I think I’ve learnt to be alone,” I objected, a little annoyed.

  “I don't see it like that, Emma.” Silvia answered with sincerity. “To the naked eye, you seem like a person that needs to be in a relationship to feel complete. But until you learn to live well with yourself, in solitude, it is not a good idea...”

  “I know, I know...” I interrupted. I did not want to be lectured. “I’m not used to being alone, but I’m not going to go off with the first person I see. On the contrary, I’ve become demanding. Very demanding.”

  “You want the opposite of what Diego was.”

  “Perhaps...” I responded doubtfully.

  “It seems so, from what you have written,” Silvia said, pursing her lips and jotting something down in her inseparable notebook.

  “I’m starting to realize that Diego was not as fantastic as I thought when he was with me,” I admitted, looking out the window so as not to face a gaze that seemed to read my mind.

  “That’s okay. To not idealize the person that abandoned you.” Without knowing why, hearing ‘that abandoned you’ from the mouth of the psychologist vexed me greatly.

  “Exactly. And as for being demanding I do not mean I’m going to find someone that is not like Diego. I mean... I don’t have an ideal prototype of a man. I believe in destiny.” Silvia nodded, smiling. “And whoever comes, well... will come.”

  “Okay, okay... very good. Please continue....”

  “Actually, that’s all I had on EPHEMERAL...” I said. Silvia laughed.

  “It was ephemeral. But I liked it. I’m going to suggest the fifth word... COMPASSION. We have few left, Emma. We’re on the right track.”

  Were we on the right track? Each word seemed to take me further from Diego, yet however, when writing about them, I got closer. And closer. And closer...

  “In this ephemeral world,

  scarecrows also have eyes and noses”

  (Masaoka Shiki)

  COMPASSION

  Felling of pity, tenderness and identification with someone’s woes.

  COMPASSION... I don’t even know where to start. I’ve never liked people pitying me. I imagine my pride gets in the way. It has more power. COMPASSION however is a beautiful faculty of the soul for people that really need it. Today I took the metro and I pitied a woman that was asking for some money to feed her child. I gladly gave it to her, because I could see truth in her words and sadness in her eyes. Compassion is necessary in the world, however, Diego... you have always lacked it. To begin with, you did not show an ounce of COMPASSION for me on the day my grandmother died.

  “It’s the way of life,” you told me coldly.

  But I was already in love with you and I agreed sadly.

  When you left, you did not give me any explanations. You did not consider my tears. You had no heart. It was as if all the memories of the life we had shared had been erased from your memory. Because yes, six years can be a lifetime... it was my life. Not all of it, but a part of it was. And I feel that I’m being annoying about the moment of goodbye... Perhaps you don’t think about that moment. I do. I can still hear how you slammed the door. That moment scarred me. Even though it bore no importance for you. I can imagine you thinking...

  “I’ll get over it. And if she never hears from me again, good. The door is closed.”

  I imagine you seeing me in the street and changing sidewalks to not have to say hi. But I could see you perfectly, because I always go to places that you used to frequent, I’m alert.

  I never see you. I’ve decided to not try again and to continue living without obsessing. But, you know. On the one hand I would like to see you and I still wish you would give me some type of explanation. That will never happen, right? What for? That’s what you must think...

  “Compassion is the door that

  enables us to understand that

  ‘the other’ is not separate from me.

  We are all part of the same spirit”

  For the first three months after you left me, I felt COMPASSION for myself.

  “POOR ME! I’ll end up alone with six cats... or seven. Eight... nine, my favorite number. ALONE WITH NINE CATS!”

  And I cried... and I hid my head under the pillow. And I cried again and... and I thought of you, Diego. Only memories remained of you and at that moment, it hurt. Now, I feel only COMPASSION for people I could help. People that go through difficult situations that are truly sad. You leaving was only a transition, a stone in the road. And someday, with all those stones, I will build my own castle... Yes, I’m sorry Diego. I know that you hate listening to those fantasy ‘stories’... that I daydream. But I’m going to tell you something. I’m going to daydream. A lot! Because you’re not going to be here to tell me I can’t.

  “They say each

  molecule of our body

  once belonged to a star.
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  Perhaps I’m not leaving,

  perhaps I’m going home”

  (Gattaca)

  I’m human. I’ve made many mistakes but I least I admit them.

  COMPASSION has incited me to continue naming your defects. Those that I previously could not see but are now increasingly clear. As if it were of any use... When we began living together, I remember that I felt COMPASSION for a small dog abandoned in the street.

  “Why don’t we adopt him?” I asked you, giving it something to eat.

  “What do you mean? We’re in the middle of moving, it will be a nightmare... Hair everywhere, taking it for a walk in the morning, in the afternoon, at night... no, no, no....”

  “I’ll take him out,” I insisted.

  “I know you and I will end up doing it most times. I said no. Also, we would have to take it to the vets, to deworm it, pay for its shots, get it a chip... so much dough! No.” I knew that when you said NO, it meant NO. And nothing would make you change your mind... but those little eyes were asking me for help.

  “Please... I promise that...”

  “NO.”

  That unequivocal no made me feel terrible. What happened to that little dog you did not want to help? The COMPASSION I felt for that dog made me cry, when in reality it was the happiest time of my life. Today I would have taken him home without paying any attention to you. Without asking for your opinion.

  We had plans, we were going to share a life... then there would be the wedding and the children... the children! But now I think... would you have been a good father? I’m sorry but... no, I don’t think so. You were too selfish, Diego. At first I could not see it. The first years of the relationship were idyllic, dream-like. Our first dates, the way you declared your feelings, the way you looked at me... everything was perfect. You were sweet and caring. But then everything changed. You showed yourself for who you are, and even though you showed COMPASSION for dramatic events that happened around the world, you did not for situations closer to home. That is what this is about, Diego.